Friday, October 1, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (XXXIV)

I had a pretty good morning today. I ran a couple of errands and then came home and slept for two hours. My daughter Erin had spent the night, so when I awakened I heard the famiiar tap, tap, tap of her fingers hitting the keyboard. But its always a welcome sound coming from her. Erin in the house provies a great degree of comfort. I told her I had a problem, I had no candy. Admittedly not a priority, but I love to have a milk chacolate nugget on hand when I get the urge. She took me to Wal Mart for the hunt. I saw, I grabbed, and I conquered. HA! I just havent eaten one yet.

A scary feeling came over me when we returned from our short trip. I began to breathe heavily and got a distinct feeling of dread. My heart rate was getting rapid. My forehead was a bit clammy. My chest was tight.

When I told Erin what was going on she suggested I talk it out, I said there was nothing to talk out. It was non-specific and tied to no stimuli I could acertain. It just hit me. I was loving our visit. I would not call it a full-fledged panic atack. I call it an anxiety attack, which I've said before is not a technically correct disgnois, just my descrption. Now that the feeling of dread, the heart rate, tight chest, and rapid breathing has left me, I decided to blog. Its funny that after the chest relaxes, I can feel it after it stops for several minutes, alhough there is no pain associated with it.

This feeling had lasted about 10-12 minutes. I had the urge to call my wife who was not availble to the phone at her job. I told Erin which provided some comfort. Her suggestion to talk it out seemed a bit stange to me. I've never really done that. I've just allowed myself to feel the feelings, observe them and hold them in my body. I did some deep breathing, following my breath in and out. After about 3-4 minutes my heart rate began to slow down. My breathing, by force probably, began to normalize. The tightness in my chest began to subside. The claminess went away. The feeling of dread was the last to go at about the 10-12 minute mark. It was like (eg.)getting hit hard in the arm. The sensation of the assault is felt very strongly at first. With some physical intervention like rubbing and other movements, it begins to go away.

I know many of you have had full-fledged panic atacks. I feel for you and know this is very serious and painful. I just had a taste of a near panic attack and I was literally stuck to my chair for ten minutes. Did I actually have a panic attack? I don't know. These anxiety attecks are fairly infrequent (every week or so) however it was only four days since my last one. I don't know if this is a sign of getting better or worse. At first blush I'd say worse. When I think more I wonder if I could be getting better because I am becomning less disconnected from my feelings. This is a question for my therapist.

Well I'm keeping it short today. I'm still a little shaky and I've felt my feelings. I used a physical intervention along with a sentence prayer I didn't mention before. The prayer is "Jesus fill my life with peace." As I inhaled I'd say "Jesus fill my life." As I exhale I'd say "with peace."

The major onslaught is gone and only some of the anxiety remains now. I need to pray some more. I was wanting to see how it would be to write this experience out. With Erin here I felt safe in and through the bulk of the anxiety. There remained and still remains an under current of anxiety. The experience has been gone for about 25 mimutes by now. I feel depression beginning to set in. I'm going to return to my chair and see where this goes. I know depression well. It comes to support my anxiety
and to confuse me for the most part. It is a sneaky enemy (friend???). Im going to return to prayer and do some more deep breathing. A walk may also be in my near future. Yes that sounds like a good idea.

I'll write again soon. I am going to be a bit cautious here, but Jesus words. "Have faith in God" will go with me on my Prayer Walk.

Typos and all ... God bless you.

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