Friday, October 29, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (LVIII)

I've been feeling some pretty signifiant anxiety today, It is not tied to a specific event or anticipation of anything. It is a sense of dread, if I had to name it. I don't remember this serious of an episode since the earliest days of this depression-anxiety "jag" Ive been on.

I've reached into my bag of tricks and used a couple of the ones marked "anxiety". It was a half-hearted effort I'm afraid. I've taken an extra dose of my anti-anxity medication. I've talked to a couple of members of my support team. It felt good to talk to them at the time, but as soon as the visit was over (within 1/2 hour) the feeling remained.

This is how some anxiety episdes are, aren't they. We can't put our finger on their origin or why they seem so strong and drawn out. That is the "hell" of it. Actually either emotion (depression-anxiety) can virtually "body slam" us with no, or very little, warning.

I need to say, I hate this. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but the first one hasn't dropped yet! This time it feels like I am emotionally anticipating "something"; its actually not like something has happened and I'm waiting for something else to happen. It is like this sometimes for me. I cannot gain clarity on what is going on. Like I said, this has happened before. Still I wish I could put a finger on it.

The strange thing about anxiety is that one of its properties is that many times we CAN'T put our finger on its origin. I have often imagined that there is a little guy in my head who is standing at the controls of my emotions. Like a one-armed bandit in Vegas this little dude just pulls the handle, the emotions scramble, three sevens appear on the screen and the bells begin to ring and the lights begin to flash for this evil little guy. The result is that I begin to experience in this case) anxiety.

You're never going to read my blog again are you? You're probably answering the title of the blog, "yes, you HAVE gone mental!"

This is an illustration for me... a way to think about my emotional upset. I really don't believe in the evil little guy in my head, really I don't! I do think of Saint Paul's words: Taking every thought capive to Jesus." This is probably meaningless to many of you and I still can't totally wrap my mind around it. I think it is saying that it is God will, for our own good, that we capture our thoughts, by answering them before they turn to difficult and harmful emtions.

This assumes our emotions are the result of our thoughts. If so I would say that this includes our "unconscious" thoughts, as well as our conscious thoughts.
I think I believe this. The theory is that our thoughts result in our in feelings and our feelings bring about our behavior.

If this the case, the affirmation pocket of our bag of tricks should become our first acivity when we feel depression-anxiety coming on. If so, that is where my self-soothing intervention fell short. I did the deep breathing (body) but neglected speaking the affirmations to myself (mind). Would this hve prevented or lessened my anxiety and sense of dread? Maybe. I don't know, but its worth a try next time or even now.

This may work. I'm glad we had this talk!

Typo and all . . . God bless you.

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