Thursday, October 14, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (XLVI)

Its 3:18 as I begin this morning. I woke up at 2:45 and haven't been able to go back sleep. I am wide awake. I wonder if the medication has something to do with this messed-up sleeping pattern. I take a medication at night that is supposed to be sedating, go to sleep by 11:00 and then wake up between 2:30 and 4:00 AM. At about 8:00 AM I go back to sleep for 2 to 3 hours. Then I get up and get on with my day.

As I think about this I surmise it may be my anxiety waking me up. Things are changing with our financial situation now. Maybe this is something that figures into the equation. Today I laid in bed for about ten minutes, got up took a shower and shaved. I hoped the shower would help with the warm water running on my body. Not today.

I took my handful of pills and came to the computer to write. I learned in treatment that trouble sleeping is a common phenomenah among many suffering with deprssion-anxiety as well as bi-polar disorder. I am trying to learn abour bi-polar because I evidentially have "it". Ths has been discussed with my psychologist and my psychiatric nurse practioner. (I wondered where those highs and lows were coming from!)

It seems I DO have "bi-polar depression and hypo-mania, the depresson can make me go very low into the darkness; where suicidal ideation is present. When my mood improves, it usualy manifests itself with some degree of anxiety which is part of what I am experiencing so far. A hypo-manic episode is where I anter a state which lowers my mania to a more managable level (hypo means low).

This hypo-manic episode is made up of several feelings: znxiety, irritability, increased appetite and a desire to frenetically clean the house (dishes, decluttering, vacuuming, and doing laundry.) Whereas my wife loves this, she also realizes it is part of my illness. I've pitched in for my fair share throughout our marriage, but this is different somehow. Its almost like a sense of urgency overcomes me. When we used to have some money (when I was employed) I think spending was the main symptom instead of the desperate neeed to clean the house. I still have urge to spend but no money to spend which is at one frustrating and empowering.

I also have, and this is troubling, a strong desire to please my wife. Whereas there is nothing wrong with this in general, I feel this motivation in my hypo-manic state. I love my wife and would do anything for her, but what I'm doing now is a bit over board. Its like I'm driven in this direction. She enjoys this for the most part, but sometmes my "help" at times can be irritating to her.

We are pretty different people. I like to do what needs to be done, right away. She, in the majority of instances, waits until the laat minute to start. This tendency of hers seems to have changed since she started back to school. Procrastination doesn't work when one is taking a lab science two evenings a week as English Composion 2 at 7:00 AM before going to her job for the day. She studies the magority of the time at home in the evening; for which I support her heartily. I am so proud of her. Since I am driven to help, this works out fine. Except when I put her cell phone in her purse and place it on on the dining room table. She goes to get her stuff in the moening and, lo and behold, it isn't there because I reorganized her life! This is one example.

She laughs it off now, compared to the beginning of this pleasing activity. And seems to enjoy me helping her to her car by carrying her book bag and other things. I feel like Mr. Intrusive at times and hope, for her stake, not to become any more driven to help than I alreay am.

This has been going on for months now and she is geting used to it and just lets me do these things along with her exortation to sit down and rest. Right now it seems this is not an option; its like I need to keep moving.

Well, its 4:45 AM and I'm going to go back to bed and try to catch a few winks before I get up at 5:30 and get the kids up and off to school.

I aplogize for blabbering on about this, but it is what I'm experienmcing at this time. I know someone out there is experiening the same thing as you suffer with depession-anxiety or bo-polar disorder among other things. This is fairly raw stuff fpr me. Its akin to when new skin (scab) is being removed from a wound. It seems like this is where I've been last few weeks. I may need some sort of sleeping pill if it continues. However I do not to want to take even one more pill. I am trying to titrate off one depression medication and replace it with another which may be helping me to some extent.

Well, I've gone on much more than planned. I thought writing about it would be healing for me and be an encouragement to others who are experiencing the same thing. I would encourage you that "this too will pass". Or s the old Gospel song says, "Let it be, Oh Lord, Let be."

Typos and all ...God bless you!

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