Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (XLV)

Today is shaping up to be a difficult. The Court is sending a real estate agent to assess our home for "Short Sale." I never thought this would happen. Yesterday I made arrangements with the bank to surrender our (newer} car. No one knows where this season of unemployment may lead. I am fearful of what happenanext. How long does a short sale last? How many days will we have to move out.

I am learning how the "other half lives." This time the "other half" is the thousands of individuals who are among the "have nots." I have often felt sorry for a family who is leaving their home because they can not make the payments. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I have faith in God that He will make a way where there is no way; that he will work things out for us to find a rental property. I am praying for dependability for the (much) older cars we bought. They are ours. We paid cash. We are slowly bur surely getting out of debt.

Regarding money we have a little left from my severence and are assisted by food stamps and the insurance we were able to get through DSHS, or wherever it comes from for the boys. Janet can get affordable insurance from her job. I have no insurance. I understand it will come with my SSD as soon as it is approved. I have not hit bottom yet, but feel the floor approaching as I free fall from the height I enjoyed for the last 21 years. I had great jobs; the highest paying job I ever had from my last employer. I took that for granted. No more.

I am now getting the idea what it feels like to live within my means. Janet and I are going through Dave Ramsey's program (Financial Peace University). I am wanting the peace! We are having the experience of bankrupcy and cutting absolutely everything from the budget we can. This a position I think many of you have had. It is at once a blessing and a curse.

Yy anxiety have been spurred these few months since I was given my "walking papers" from my last employer. It was a reduction in force for financial reasons. At 4:45 I have been up since 3:00 not so much worrying as wondering. The real estate person comes later today. I estimate three more months in the house. Then we will be renters...somewhere. It has been said that God never closes a door without opening a window. I am looking for the window. Yes, I am anxious, worried. What is my next step? I pray for this almost daily.

I do not wish to re-enter the working world in the field of alcohol and drug or counseling. The social service field is too risky. I need a change. I understand that I will be able to work part time after approval of my SSD. I'm sure it will be difficult to make this change, although my background may give me a "leg up".

I continue to try to get better. There are few things I can do that I was unable to do last January when this depression-ansiety hit me so hard. I can drive myself to certain distances, I can go to the store with out a chaperone. I am able to begin going to the gym a couple of times each week. I fear the crowd, but if I stay to myself I sm usualy ok.

I ask your prayers as one who is experiencing what so many are at this time. I don't want sympathy, just your prayers. I am going through somethimg I have never thought I would. So self assured, so secure and then the rug was pulled our from under me.
As my faith teaches me, I need not to "let go and let God" but to "take hold with God" I wish you God speed as you walk down your path. I have found that walking the path of a fellow traveler gives me a measure of peace and hope. I trust you are finding this in your story ss it unfolds for you.

I do not know the future of my life; I thought it would be much different than it has turned out. I have some strentgh within as I commit myself to Christ as my Lord. I think of the line of the prayer of St, Ignatius which he proclaims to Jesus: "with you by my side enough hss has given.: I know, in my spirit that this is enough. I need to give much effort to work this into my life.

Typos and all ... God bless you!

1 comment:

  1. It will ultimately be more than okay. It will be a testament of God's indescribable grace and mercy and ultimately, his peace.