Friday, February 11, 2011

Have You Gone Mental? (91)

There have been the inevtible ups and downs since the last post. Anxiety in the morning. However not as intense as the past experiences of anxiety. As for depression, it has been very mild. It seems like I've turned a corner. This is pretty sudden to make that kind of pronouncenent but that is the way I feel.

I am using my bag of tricks as feelings come and go and they seem to be very effective. I am somewhat skeptical of this new found positive recovery. Therefore I am taking this very slowly... wishing and hoping this is real and not some "blip" on the screen that will eventually plumet me to more intense negative feelings. You can see I don't completly trust me feelings now. Although, I am trying to with all my might.

My psychologist told me yesterday that this is sometimes the way these disorders "act". It seems unreal to me. She also advised me to be on my guard BUT to move forward as doors open to me. Since I've had depression to one intensity or to another my entire life, this seems to be good advice.

So, I continue to pray that I will be able not to "let go and let God", but to "take hold with God" in my recovery. Yes, God is my driving force, AND I need to take steps to do what I am led to do. This morning I am absent my serious anxiety and hopeful. I know God is working my life and I would welcome relief from the "dark night of the soul" that has been with me for over a year.

I have also applied for two jobs. I am testing the doors to see if they have unlocked now. My hopes are not too high but I am optimistic. I hope this bold step will bring about more positive feelings. Just applying is a huge step for me, and it feels good right now.

Well that is how I am at this point ... having ups and downs (although not as intense) and being optimistic in terms of my recovery.

Typos and all ... God Bless You.

1 comment:

  1. you're doing great, dad. even when it feels horrible, you're moving forward. i love you.