Our new little dog Max got loose about 4:00 AM. Janet was putting him out on his outdoor cord to go to the "bathroom". He slipped her grasp and ran away. She came to bed having given up locating him. It was my turn and after an hour I found Max and put him in his indoor kennel for the "night".
Why would this dog (a smart breed border collie) run out into 26 degree weather? It is bitter cold with the breeze and yet "there he went!" More importantly, why do I leave the safety of my personal interventions only to once again succomb to deepening levels of depression and anxiety? Sometimes I just get tired of being "inside in the kennel." I want to be free: healthy like others I know.
I know I am in denial. This is a long haul AND I've grown very tired of this illness. Sometimes I think if I could just get loose; "off the cord" I could be normal again. Thats all I want, to he normal ... healthy. I fantasise stopping my medication and by some miracle by "prayer and contemplation" I could just be better. I could "keep it together."
I know I need to "stay on the cord." I know that if I am ever to be "heathy" again I need to take my medication as prescribed and continue to do the things that are supposed to help me overcome this illnesss, or least facilitate some semblance of mental health. I know I need to meditate, stay in contact with my support team, and "intervene" by using the contents of my bag of tricks if I am EVER going to move toward health.
Sometimes I grow weary of being "good". I just want to feel "right" and I am dang tired of the routine I have established and the bag of tricks I need to continue to use. I am one who believes that one can be normal and yet far from healthy. So I will continue to scratch and claw my way to health by using the techniques that have gotten me this far. I want to be "off the cord"; but now I must remain joined to the tether which keeps me closer to God and thus closer to mental health and the life I have enjoyed in the past... a life that seems like forever and has grown very small in my personal "rear view mirror."
That is my life goal at this time: keep on keeping on; attatched to God ... and not give up.
Typos and all ... God Bless You!