Have you gone Mental? (XXX)

I was very busy again today. I won't bore you with what. Suffice it to say it was a grand tour of Southwest Clark County to accomplish all I needed to. I spent some time with my Mom who rode with me for most of these activities. The first one involved her.

My Mom is 83 years old. She is making funeral and burial pre-arrangements and asked me to take her to do so. This is a two or three part process involving the visit to the Funeral Chapel Office to get the particulars, taking the materials home to make decisions about each aspect of the process, and then re-visiting the Chapel's Office to put down some money and set up a payment schedule. Mom doesn't want her children to have to pay for her funeral.

This was a sad time to think about one's mother thinking about her own death. After 60+ years of raising and trying her best to launch (jettison) her children. Her life consisted of a fifty year marriage to my father; a man who died about three months after the celebration. It also included raising two children, a now 57 year old son and a 52 year old daughter. It was also fraut with the occasional grief of the lost child; her daughter Jackie who lived but four hours.

There is much more in my Mom's history. Its fun to ride downtown with her because she knows what all the streets used to be named and where businesses stood that have long since gone away. She worked at Jantzen Beach Ball Room, in Portland, and met some of the greats in big band and country music; even being invited to sing a number with them. Glenn Miller, Tommy Dorsey, Bob Wills and his Texas Cowboys,. and many others.

Mom has lived with us almost ever since my Father died... over 10 years now. She, of course, as a loving mother is very concerned about the last 9 months of turns, ups, and downs in my life. I've tried to explain my disorder to her in the most direct and non-clinical way possible. I decided not to lie to her. She asks me how I'm doing every day; how I feel. I am trying to tell her, "I feel very anxious at this point", or "My depression is really getting me down. Happy are times when she asks and I can tell her that I'm having a pretty fair day; my anxiety has let up a little, or some of my depression has lifted over the past couple of hours. Unfortunately, she asks mostly in the early morning when I awaken with the symptoms. Nevertheless I've resolved to be honest.

I do this with most everyone I know now. Lying to spare anothers' feelings, or how they feel about us, develops a pattern of deception in one's life that can easily lead to self-deception which none of us suffering from mixed anxiety-depression can afford. My advice is to get a mental handle on what's going on with you, learn to explain it in simple and concise terms; a script if you will. Once you've done this, use that explaination when someone asks you about how you are doing. No need to get dramatic ... and truly no need to say "everything is great!". Balance this with what my old Pappy used to say, "Dont ask someone how they are or how they're doing unless you want to hear an answer." In this case we are on the back end of the equasion. WE are the ones who will be honest about how our disorder is affecting us; if someone asks us, at least among those we know.

My point is about honesty, integrity, and self-affirmation. There is not some something fundamentally wrong with us, but I know I could not count on all my fingers and toes how many people will smile as they listen and then walk away thinking, "this guy is really out there." Thankfully, most will feel compassion and hopefully provide a word of encouragement and/or send a prayer up for us.

So don't be afraid to share when you're not doing well. I'm not trying to turn us all into drama queens here. I'm not trying to instruct others how to play the victim role. I am just asking those of you who are on the same path as I am to be yourselves as much as possible and as appropriate. If you work with the public I urge you to not launch into an explaination of your mental illness to a customer. It will usually backfire. These rules of thumb may suffice:

1. Tell those you know well and can trust with the information how you are really doing when they ask.

2. Tell those you dont know well very little or no information. Someone asked me how do I do that?!? "Fog them." When they ask you how you are or how you're doing say, "Hey, how are you doing?" Avoiding the question, sure enough, but most people don't really want to know. Howya doin' is more of a greeting than a question with many people. You can also tell them that, "My life has its ups and downs like everyone elses."

3. Don't tell anyone you don't trust with any information. They may see fit to turn and hurt you with it. You may want to "Fog them" with one of the answers above.

We need to learn to walk softly and carry a big bag of tricks. Don't purposely call attention to yourself or your disorder. None of us are experts; even on the particulars of our own disorders. Let us be wise about sharing our information with everyone. No one deserves to hear your story unless they have proven to you they can be trusted with it.

I'm glad I have such a person in my Mom and others of my close support team. All others get the abridged version. I hope you have a strong support system also. Mine is the best!

Typos and all ... God bless you and Be careful out there!