Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (XXXI)

Well this blog is one of the saddest of all for me. Tomorrow represents, in the minds of many, failure, irresponsibility, and even stupidity. Tomorrow we go to Bankruptcy Court.

As many who read this blog know, I lost my job during the fifth month of my current bout with mental illness; 4/21/2010. I was paid for a period of time as a generous severance from my employer. We saved as much as we could and also paid as many bills off as we could. At this point we are losing our home. We have purchased two older cars (1992 and 1996)with Cash. We will surrender our 2006 car to the Bank this week.

I have undergone a tremendous amount of shame as I've seen this coming from the time I lost my job. I was and am impaired to the point that I cannot work. I have applied for a mental health disability. It really isn't guilt (I made a mistake) it is shame (I am a mistake). I know this is not true. I know this seems like harsh words to assign to myself but I am just saying that this is the feeling I've been having about myself.

We are blessed. We will be able to live in our house until the foreclosure goes through and we have two cars for which we have no payments even though they nickle and dime us as older cars do. Everyone who has heard about the bankruptcy has been gracious and sympathetic. This has not eased the pain to any great degree. The sense of shame is too strong. After all, I'm a guy who pays his bills and gives to chairitable causes up until now. You may have some idea how difficult this is to write about. I know that a tremendous amount of bankruptcies take place each year. Maybe this difficulty has been a part of your life at some time.

Janet will get her first full paycheck at the end of next month (October). We have been living on the severance and have been able to stretch it to this point, but the well is almost dry. We will not be able to live on her salary even with the bankrupcy. That will neccesitate dipping into our small retirement account. The total of this is about half of what I made last year.

I know by now many of you have got out your violins and are playing "Ode to the Victim". That is not what I'm after. I am confident that there are so many who are worse off than I am. My past lack of knowledge and mishandling of finances are a part of this horrible end. I take responsibility for this. What I'm after is that my friends and even those who I've not met will pray for my family and me; that God will make a way where there is no way, which is supposed to be his speciality. I will pray for you as well.

I wish I had some upbeat narrative for you this evening but my mind is filled with sorrow as tomorrow approaches. As I mentioned I feel shame. Besides this my depression and anxiety are doing a "tag-team" match on me. If not for my support team I would be in a much worse place. I thank them for their prayers as well as their sympathetic and loving words.

I know I will live to "fight" another day. It is anticipating tomorrow that brings anxiety to bear upon me. It is thinking how I got to this place that fuels my depression. However, as Saint Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That is my mantra at this time in my life. I used it as the foundation of my prayer walk this morning.

Thank you for reading this entry. If you feel you can pray for me I'd be most grateful.

Typos and all ... God bless you!

No comments:

Post a Comment