Sunday, September 26, 2010

Have you gone Mental? (XXVIII)

Hello everyone. Well the day started out pretty well. I spent time with my wife, my daughter and her family However, I was anticipating my appointment with my new psychiatric nurse practioner with a degree of trepidation. In a conversation we had a few weeks ago when we met to see if we could work together he asked me a question: "Has anyone of the professionals you've seen ever asked you if you'd been diagnosed with "Bi-Polar Disorder?" Bi-Polar Disorder! No! Absolutely not! My Psychologist, Psychiarist, and counselors in my Partial Hospital Program had spoken with me about my levels of depression, anxiety and suicidality, but no, not Bi-Polar Disorder.

For today's appointment he asked me to bring my wife to our appointment. We talked about this disorder of which I feel very afraid. Many of you who have this disorder have found the right medications and learned how to live with this problem. Some of you have not. During the conversation, I could not bring myself to imagine it and could barely hold the tears back.

The professional, in a very gentle way and the simplest possible terms told us that my psychiatrist had put me on medication that is usually given to those who have Bi-Polar Disorder. I had been afraid of this and was hoping against hope that I "only" had mixed depresson-anxiety and that was all that there was to be said. I learned today that may not be true.

I was in some state of shock and sadness from that appointment to the present time
(12:38 A.M.). I don't want to sound dramatic here. But I am afraid. "We" are going to increase some of the meds and decrease others to try to determine if a Bi-Polar regimen of types and doses of particular medications will bring us closer to the truth. I am committed to discovering my true diagnosis. I need to know the "enemy" (as I view it now) that I'm up against.

I need to say that I hate drama and anything that tries to stir the hearts and minds of people to try to get them to think things are worse than they really are (not that depression-anxiety is not enough!). I only ask for the prayers and positive thoughts of my family and friends as I go through this process of discovery that I began today.

Whether or not I have this disorder, I hold out hope for healing and for God to show me the path I need to be walking now to best nurture and serve him, others, and myself. I have seen the difficulties Bi-Polar disorder brings to the lives of those who suffer with this problem. Some suffer worse than others.

I will now begin to learn more so can help determine for myself if I think I fit within this mental illness. My heart and prayers go out to those of you who suffer thus and if one day I am truly counted among you, perhaps we can provide encouraging words and hold one another up with our prayers.

That's all I have to say about that for now.

Typos and all ... God Bless You.

1 comment:

  1. bi-polar is just a diagnosis. it's not who you are.