I have been trying to settle in to the "Mental life" that has been my lot for over a year or so. This last week or so finds me battling some very low lows and some suicidal ideation. As I mentioned in my former blog, my depression has a mind of its own. It comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it arrives when situations are stressing me out, but it can almost as easily come when I am just generally in a low mood. I really close off from people when I'm in this condition. My depression is serious and takes some serious application of my bag of tricks to fight it. Just when I think I'm improving,,, BAAM ! it hits again.
I have what is called "double depression", or so I am told. My general mood, for almost as long as I can remember has been of the character of a low grade depression. This is the staple of my feelings. I can't remember when I have not had a low grade depression. It goes back to the early days of my youth ... never a real happy camper. This is no to say that I am not totally happy at any time... this is a usual and customary feeling. It means my happy level is lower than a healthy person who does not have chronic low grade depression.
Added to this is a depression of the type that drops me way below the healthy level. Think of a horizontal line across a page. Go down and draw a line one half inch below it (this is my low grade depression. Then go one half inch below this and draw another line. This will give you some idea where I go to find suicidal ideation. This is frequent of late. This is a feeling that I will never dig myself out. I've certainly had some circumstances that have lent themselves to this, but I can go there as naturally as anything else with little or no stress. This is astounding to me. "Dropping into a hole" without accompanying stress to push me in! I hate this. If you are in a similar boat as me, you hate it too.
There is no permanent answer to this for me at this point. I pray, I meditate, I do what needs to be done whether I feel like it or not, I distract myself, I talk to myself, I physically exercise pretty regularly, etc. Still depression dances and plays in my mind and this is NOT like sugarplums dancing in my head. It is painful and leaves me feeling hopeless for long periods of time. I try to help myself the best I can. I am not just lying down and taking it. I am really working at this.
My anxiety also comes along for the ride. It has not disappeared. I follows the ebb and flow of my depression, cheering it on as it assails me with nervous stomach, anxiety laden thinking, and being anxious about so many things, Its like depression and anxiety are doing their dance together as a relationship made in somewhere else besides heaven ... You can think of one place, I'm sure. I suppose they are having fun but I'm not.
Well I'm tired of writing for now. I will drift off to sleep with my CD playing positive and spiritual ideas to me to relieve the anxiety of this time of night.
God Be With You!