Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Have You Gone Mental? (101)

The idea of working sounded good at the time, but it turned out to be a poor decision. I realized I was unable to hold a job, but stayed in denial. I apppied for a job a month ago. I was called and told I would not be interviewed. That kind of broke through my denial. I needed to realize that now is not a time to look for work. My depression and anxiety are just too powerful. I try to hold it together, but they are relentless.

A couple of weeks ago I received word that my mental health disability had been granted. I experienced joy and sorrow. Joy because it would provide a small income in addition to Janet's and sad because it was like a door slamming on the past 50+ years of my life. I began to feel like a loser... Look at me, I'm feeding off the government! I processed this with my therapist and have come to terms with it. I've been paying into social security since I was 16 years old. This is like granting MYSELF the disability, as far as the money is concerned. I understand how lame this may sound, but it is where I am trying to be now ... to continue to work myself through the shame.

This is as far as I've progressed. I still have my ups and downs they have been lower of late and I continue to take care of myself to lessen the pain. My supporters have been wonderful.

Thanks for listening.

Typos and all ... God Bless You.

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