Friday, March 11, 2011

Have You Gone Mental (99)

The loss of my job sent me into a downward spiral, I felt devalued, and very sad. Anger didn't enter into it. I so wanted to retire from there, but it was not to be. After my "RIFFING" I kind of sat at home and stewed in my own juices. I applied for a job, had an interview and then turned down a second interview when my depression and anxiety intervened. I was unable to do this job or any other. I just had to accept that at the time. The depression and anxiety (from a year or so before) came to the surface, as I already said.

I began to take walks each day, write in my journal, read, and sleep. I was exhausted. I needed to be driven every place I went. My anxiety was just too strong at the time and I had lost my confidence even to drive my car. I was feeling increasingly suicidal. This feeling came to fruition at the end of May. I drove my car, against advice, headed to church, and traveled along Marine Drive looking for a place to turn my wheel and plunge into the river. I was very serious about this. Car after car kept coming in the westward direction and I was prevented from turning across the lane of oncoming traffic. I ended up at church and this meeting with my faith community gave me some relief. I, on the way home, took the same route along the river. The more suicidal I felt the more it gave me pause. I thought of nothing but my wife and children. This and nothing else kept my car on the road.

When I told my wife about my ideation she called my prescriber and she was told to take me to the hospital. I met with a counselor there who hospitalized me. I stayed there four days until I was more stable and my new meds were introduced. However, my suicidal ideation was not over by a long shot.
To be continued...

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