As you can see, I'm not very good with Roman numerals. Is that right? Anyway this is my 59th entry cataloging my journey in the midst of depression-anxiety.
Wow. Its been a rough week and its only Wednesday 12:40 AM. Have you ever just wanted to die? Sunday, Monday and Tuesday have been such days in which I wanted to give up. I'm not sure I have been suicidal... just weary of the battle. I've been inconsolable for the most part. I've been guilty of putting a "happy" face on a sad soul.
Many of us are good at "faces". When I say this I mean we can look and act like everything is ok when we are virtually dying inside; on the edge of tears. This is the best description of the last three days. I have no explanation. I haven't had any particular stressors bad enough to bury me in the depths of despair.
I took a walk Tuesday afternoon. A prayer walk. I said the Lord's prayer, I said the "Soul of Christ" Prayer. I made the request of being a person of whom negativity is relaced by Love, depression is replaced by joy, anxiety is replaced by peace, fear is replaced by faith, and desperation is replaced by hope.
These are the qualities I crave. I've experienced their polar opposites: negativity, depression, anxiety, fear, and desperation.
I think I have probably said enough for this time. I find myself exhausted but unable to sleep. I am planning to go to prayer for a while and then go to bed. I hold out hope that my rising will bring about restoring a measure of well-being. I plan to review my journey through my journal and expect God to fill my spirit with a fresh revealing of his presence.
Typos and all . . . God bless you
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Daddy, it's so tough sometimes to know you are hurting, but this gives me a better grasp of what to pray for you - Talk yourself through this bout. What is it that's making you feel depressed? Do you need to go have lunch with a friend? Do you need to organize the movies? Tidy up your book area? Have your daughter bring you a new candle? Pick out a fictional novel to read instead of your usual stuff? Sometimes a little tweak in your day can relieve a little of the sadness. I love you so much...call me when you get sad, I'll make you laugh. xoxo - Owen
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