Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Have You Gone Mental? (LXIV)

I've been fighting depression the past few days. No that isn't right. I'll try to explain what I mean. While going to war with the emotion I learned fighting is not the key. I am just learning that for me, feeling the feeling, contemplating the feeling, prayer/meditation, and allowing the feeling to run its course (which it always does for me sooner or later) deserves some attention.

Like I said, I am learning more about my disorders and how to deal with them as I go along. This is a departure for me. Instead of reaching into my bag of tricks I have tried not to fight the feeling but instead feel it. This can be very painful. Tears often come. Sadness is paramount; especially the contemplation step. Contemplating the depression as to its cause and its extent has helped me to follow my chosen path while allowing the feeling. This is very painful, but I've found it worth the effort. You may disagree.

So I am running my experiment. Do not fight, but allow...allow when empowered by the Spirit. I've come to the point that some of my methods have limited success in the long run. The method I am proposing is to be a self-observer. I am, in a way, learning to detach from the depression. I have found some success in living in this new way. I am realizing this is more art than science.

I have noticed that the depression "hangs around" waiting for me to pay attention to it in the old way of fighting. My experience is when I fight depression it deepens. This may just be the character of depression in my own life. I am learning that when I just allow, through mediation and prayer, the desperation is taken out of the feeling. This is my experience.

Maybe allowing could be part of the bag of tricks, but it is not aggressive. It is a more peaceful approach. Joy is the opposite of depression. That is the goal... joy.
I am learning that when I fight depression joy does not result. Joy is more the result of calm allowing and acceptance of the disorder in my life. Its not that I enjoy depression, lord no. I just think this allowing and acceptance of what comes into my life is the result of knowing that there is a reason this "depression" is visiting me. What that reason is may or may not be revealed to me. The reality is, I'm depressed now and that is what matters.

So I allow myself to feel the depression, contemplate/meditate on the depression, humbly pray for release from the depression, go about my business and let depression run its course. This is difficult, I have found, when depression runs four days as it has so far. I'm sticking with my new method and I'll keep you apprised of my success.

The peaceful approach may be the key to receiving the joy we all wish for.

Typos and all ... Let there be joy ... God bless you.

1 comment:

  1. I love this idea...embracing it, almost. Letting it cloud over you and riding it out. I love how you've made it a self discovery instead of a torment. You are so beautiful, Daddy.