Saturday, November 6, 2010

Have You Gone Mental? (LXI)

Good Morning all. My last post is still stuck in the cue at blogspot and will not publish for some reason. I will continue to work on this and try to get it out asap. I need you to knowe that I am not real computer literate. I've been able to hold my own for years, but evidently I need some help!

I had a good night last night spending time with my wife and her best friend at Buffalo Wild Wings. Stimulating conversation and much love. I am grateful for times like this. When I returned home I had what I call an anxiety attack. I could not explain it other than I was in a crowded place with a lot of people. Within an hour I was able to calm myself down for the most part. I believe I need to make myself do these things to try to desentize myself from agoraphobic tendencies that have been with me from the beginning of this bout with depession-anxiety. By the way I am looking forward to 3 days with my daughter and son in law next week. This will be kind of a retreat filled with reading, journalling exercizing and prayer. I'll have a private place in thier beautiful home.

I returned my car to the bank yesterday. My financial situation prevented me from keeping it. We have a couple of beaeters to deive. My wife has a cute litle Toyota Paseo (1991) and I have a kind of "beat looking" Subaru legacy wagon (1965). As many of you know I am still unemployed and we are living on my wife's salary which does not allow a car payment. It was difficult and illustrated to me how far I have fallen as a result of illness. After this incident of taking the car, I shed a few tears. I cried not because losing the car. Its just a car. I had a "loser attack". I've concluded now that I am not a loser. I am sick with a serious mental illness and cannot work. Bankruptcy was the option we were counseled to pursue. It is embarrassing and humiliating. Those of you who have gone bankrupt can identify with me. I take no pleasure in going backrupt. I'll spare you of the net gains and losses in this processes except to say I've learned to view possesions as temporary and with lower value than I used to. Going from my "good" salary and my wifes salary to one salary has been financially devestating. The "loser reflex" is something that is an unneccessary. Things are what they are and I have no control over them at this time.

Well I'll continue to work on my failing computer to get my last blog to publish.
Thank you for your loving words, thoughts and prayers.

Typos and all. . . God bless you.

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