As you can see, I'm really lost on my Roman Numerals. There must be one that means 50but I'll have to look up. Speaking of not being perfect, what kind of presure do you put yourself under to maintain a flawless personna? Maybe you don't do that.
This blog follows up from last night's in which we considered the question "Who am I?". I have said for years, "I'm not perfect, but parts of me are excellent." While I think it is important to stretch ourselves toward doing life better, we will never hit perfection.
My old Pappy used to say, "If a job is worth doing its worth doing well". I interpreted this to mean when we do something we should commit ourselves to doing as well as we can, according to our ability, and to see the job through. Those of us having depression-anxiety may have trouble carrying jobs/tasks through to completion. We may violate our souls with negative self talk that puts us at risk for self-fulfilling prophecy. Things like this come to mind: "I'm not good at this", I'm not smart enough to do something like this.", "If I can't do a good job maybe I shouldn't even try." "I'm afraid I'll disappoint ________ if I don't do a good job".
Its better to just say "no" than put yourself through a bunch negative mental gymnastics and end up feeling horrible.
Its funny to me how many of us who have mental health difficultiies are perfectionists. I mean, what a trip ... usually a guilt or shame trip. We have fear of not doing a task flawlessly. If you say, "I could never do this job." you are probably right. There is power in our words. We, in many cases get what we say. If our self-talk and the way we talk to others is negative, we may well have a negative outcome. Whereas, if our self-talk and the we talk to others is positive, we may well reap a positive outcome.
We need to train ourselves to be positive (or at least neutral) in all we say. We need to think 'what I say often results in what I get'. Try some positive affirmations:
I am getting better every day in every way.
God is healing me.
My depression-anxiety is getting better
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Write out some of your own. Talk to yourself. Be the person God wishes you to be. I call it faithful and fallible. We are faithful to what we feel is asked of us, and we agree to do, AND we are fallible as we carry it out. God's measuring stick is faithfulness. The most important thing is that "a servant be found faithful". That is key.
So please take the backpack of perfectionism off your shoulders. Toss it to the ground. Look carefully at the task you wish to achieve. If you don't want to do it save yourself and don't agree to do it! If it is something you really want to do and you basically know how to do it, take it on! Remember to be faithful; see it through. Remember you are fallable and you may not do it perfectly. Drop the backpack!
You are Faithful AND Fallable... not Faithful BUT fallable. The difference is subtile.
Its funny how many of us suffering from depression-anxiety think we can do things perfectly. We can barely do our lives functionally sometimes! Give yourself a break. I don't give advice, but if I did I'd say: 1) talk positively to yourself; 2) talk positively to others; 3) Be faithful in whatever it is you agree to do; Remember you are also fallable and DO NOT APOLOGIZE for that!
You are a precious human being. Don't let perfectionism and negative self talk convince you that you are not. Or as it is succinctly said: "God don't make no junk!"
So with weird Roman numerals, typos, and all...
God bless you... You beautiful soul.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Have you gone Mental? (XXXVIIII)
How do we come to know ourselves? Many of us may have a handle on this but I'd wager that many who suffer from depression-anxiety do not. Who am I? Look behind occupation, social status, gender, political ideology, and the particular roles we play in life. Who am I? It is a question of being, not doing.
Let's think WITHIN the box. Who am I inside? Who am I in my soul, spirit, my inner beliefs and values, the innermost part of me? Who I am is reflected by the behavior I demonstrate. The difficulty in showing who we really are is greatly influened by what we think of the opinion of others. Many of us with mental disorders are well-guarded. We are afraid, on some level, that if people really got to know who we really are they would not like us, or accept us, or want to be in our company.
Who I am may be fragile, fearful, negative, sad, and chronically alone. Who I am may be depressed and anxious. It is who I am that defines me. Who I am is hidden inside of us. Most of us have perfected a personna or a "false face" to try to cover up who we are so we can fit in with others in our world.
Many of us dress for others, diet for others, say the right words for others; hiding our true identity. Who I am. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I want to appear "normal". Who am I inside is painful. It is often dreadful and terrible, at least in our own estimation.
I have tried, in this series of blogs to show who I am. What I do is not important except when it shows this. I know a man who is a wonderful person. He is a community volunteer and philanthropist. Who is he? He is generous, committed to the underprivileged in his community. He is the picture of love and grace; a person in whom the teaching of Jesus is manifested. That's who he is. His behavior demonstrates this consistently.
My conclusion? Be who you are. Don't be afraid to let others know. Be that inner self that is yearning to get out. Be honest in yourself and in the company of others. When we let others know who we are we will behave consistently with our inner self. This is not a New Age teaching. To be who we are, we need to be that person from the inside out.
How we discover who we are is in meditation and silence. We need to access our soul ... our spirits. But how? I read a page from the Hebrew or Chritian Scriptures slowly until something "jumps out at me." I usually use the teachings of Jesus, the Psalms and the Proverbs. I then write that phrase or sentence on a piece of paper or in my journal and meditate upon it by repeating it over and over in my mind. Then I enter the silence. This is one way to discover who you really are. Those who use other Scripture or spiritual literature can have the same experience. To find out who we are we need to access God ... the Other ... our Supreme Being... or as we Christans put it" The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Great, the Mighty and the Awesome God.
It has been said that "silence is the language of God." Sit in silence holding the "who am I" question in your mind. The answer may come in that first session or it may take a week or a month, or a year. Its worth it. Be patient. It shall be revealed often little by little. Rarely is it revealed all at once. The more we meditate on Scriptures and sit in silence holding the question in our minds, the better the chance we will have of discovering who we really are inside. It is also the way to change our inner person to a more functional, more comfortable, more authentic person. Who am I? This may be an important key to mental health.
Typos and all . . . God bless you.
Let's think WITHIN the box. Who am I inside? Who am I in my soul, spirit, my inner beliefs and values, the innermost part of me? Who I am is reflected by the behavior I demonstrate. The difficulty in showing who we really are is greatly influened by what we think of the opinion of others. Many of us with mental disorders are well-guarded. We are afraid, on some level, that if people really got to know who we really are they would not like us, or accept us, or want to be in our company.
Who I am may be fragile, fearful, negative, sad, and chronically alone. Who I am may be depressed and anxious. It is who I am that defines me. Who I am is hidden inside of us. Most of us have perfected a personna or a "false face" to try to cover up who we are so we can fit in with others in our world.
Many of us dress for others, diet for others, say the right words for others; hiding our true identity. Who I am. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I want to appear "normal". Who am I inside is painful. It is often dreadful and terrible, at least in our own estimation.
I have tried, in this series of blogs to show who I am. What I do is not important except when it shows this. I know a man who is a wonderful person. He is a community volunteer and philanthropist. Who is he? He is generous, committed to the underprivileged in his community. He is the picture of love and grace; a person in whom the teaching of Jesus is manifested. That's who he is. His behavior demonstrates this consistently.
My conclusion? Be who you are. Don't be afraid to let others know. Be that inner self that is yearning to get out. Be honest in yourself and in the company of others. When we let others know who we are we will behave consistently with our inner self. This is not a New Age teaching. To be who we are, we need to be that person from the inside out.
How we discover who we are is in meditation and silence. We need to access our soul ... our spirits. But how? I read a page from the Hebrew or Chritian Scriptures slowly until something "jumps out at me." I usually use the teachings of Jesus, the Psalms and the Proverbs. I then write that phrase or sentence on a piece of paper or in my journal and meditate upon it by repeating it over and over in my mind. Then I enter the silence. This is one way to discover who you really are. Those who use other Scripture or spiritual literature can have the same experience. To find out who we are we need to access God ... the Other ... our Supreme Being... or as we Christans put it" The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Great, the Mighty and the Awesome God.
It has been said that "silence is the language of God." Sit in silence holding the "who am I" question in your mind. The answer may come in that first session or it may take a week or a month, or a year. Its worth it. Be patient. It shall be revealed often little by little. Rarely is it revealed all at once. The more we meditate on Scriptures and sit in silence holding the question in our minds, the better the chance we will have of discovering who we really are inside. It is also the way to change our inner person to a more functional, more comfortable, more authentic person. Who am I? This may be an important key to mental health.
Typos and all . . . God bless you.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Have you gone Mental? (XXXVIII)
Today the roller coaster continues. I go down at break neck speed and then, hitting somewhere near bottom begin the long ride at a much slower pace to the top. If you've ridden such a contraption you know what I mean. My favorite roller coaster was the one at Jantzen Beach Amusement Park in Portland,Oregon.
A friend and I rode it 10 times in a row on a day when it was a dime a ride. We'd save up $20.00 and then one of our parents would take us to the north end of interstate bridge over the Columbia River from America's Vancouver to Portland. This when it was a toll bridge. Neither his parents nor mine wanted to pay the toll for crossing the bridge.
Twenty bucks was more than enough in those days to do everything a young boy could want to do in an amusement park for about 6 hours. Even though I was much older, when the amusement park was torn down to make way for progress, I wasn't sure that "progress" was a fitting term for what they did to a place that holds so many memories.
When you ride the long climb to the top you are filled with anticipation and not a little fear because you know what happens next: a sharp drop with a curve at the bottom where many a lunch was lost (not mine!). My depression-anxiety works like this. The ride up represents the anxiety getting more and more intense. My head begins to ache, my skin becomes clammy and my chest tight. I hold on for dear life.
Maybe this is what I do with my anxiety I hold on to it hoping this will be the last and worst episode I'll have. When the level of anxiety reaches its apex I take a long deep breath.. there is pause, than I start the desent picking up speed. Faster and faster I drop to the painful solace below; I call it painful solace because I think anxiety is taking up more of my life than depression at this point. Perhaps the anxiety is so bad I long for depression. When I seem to be able to just feel the depression and reach into my bag of tricks for a temporary remedy the "curve" in the tracks appears when my depresson is at its worst. It appears that anxiety "turns into" depression. The car slows slightly and there are a few shallow valleys when depression comes to the fore. I don't know if I handle depression better or I'm just more accustomed to it. I pray, I cry, I rage against this horrible feeling I have experienced since I was a young teen that holds me captive each day.
Like the roller coaster, the pattern is set. This represents my life each day. My anxiety begins in the morning upon awakening. It calms down a bit after I take my medication, in about one - two hours. It reawakens about noon time and I take another pill. I am calmed more quickly now. It is not that the anxiety is gone. It is because the anxiety and depression become so close they kind of mesh. Maybe this makes no sense to you. It is a theory of mine about myself. The depression is with me always. There is always a significant "under current" that runs through everything I do. Many of you know the feeling. It is what quenches the enthusiasm in my life. It is why I don't enjoy things as I could. It is why my laughter is muted and my happiness is so temporary. It is the emotion I try to hide with my humorous personna. Many of us walk this path daily. I know I don't hold the market on this one. But even this is empowered by certain stresors.
This is how I am today, the anxiety is more intense as is the depression as I beg and plead for God to take away the power of my child's addiction. I hope against hope that there will be full surrender to the higher power called God. Sometimes I surmise that addiction is primarily a spiritual disease and to experience remission one must take a fresh look at one's spirituality. Further I feel that we may need to come to the point of desperation.
Having hit this point, we must pray that God will enter the innermost part of our lives and make the changes there that will help us recover. There are so many obstacles to overcoming addiction. The bag of tricks is not an approach that works, It involves self-knowledge which is impossible until one takes the vital step to stop drinking, using, gambling, or whatever holds them hostage. Once one stops the harmful behavior the healing process can begin as they "clear" and begin to see life as it truly is and accept life on life's terms. Overcoming addiction is a path one can only walk with much support. The hardest part is facing oneself. In the innermost part of myself, I know its true.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
A friend and I rode it 10 times in a row on a day when it was a dime a ride. We'd save up $20.00 and then one of our parents would take us to the north end of interstate bridge over the Columbia River from America's Vancouver to Portland. This when it was a toll bridge. Neither his parents nor mine wanted to pay the toll for crossing the bridge.
Twenty bucks was more than enough in those days to do everything a young boy could want to do in an amusement park for about 6 hours. Even though I was much older, when the amusement park was torn down to make way for progress, I wasn't sure that "progress" was a fitting term for what they did to a place that holds so many memories.
When you ride the long climb to the top you are filled with anticipation and not a little fear because you know what happens next: a sharp drop with a curve at the bottom where many a lunch was lost (not mine!). My depression-anxiety works like this. The ride up represents the anxiety getting more and more intense. My head begins to ache, my skin becomes clammy and my chest tight. I hold on for dear life.
Maybe this is what I do with my anxiety I hold on to it hoping this will be the last and worst episode I'll have. When the level of anxiety reaches its apex I take a long deep breath.. there is pause, than I start the desent picking up speed. Faster and faster I drop to the painful solace below; I call it painful solace because I think anxiety is taking up more of my life than depression at this point. Perhaps the anxiety is so bad I long for depression. When I seem to be able to just feel the depression and reach into my bag of tricks for a temporary remedy the "curve" in the tracks appears when my depresson is at its worst. It appears that anxiety "turns into" depression. The car slows slightly and there are a few shallow valleys when depression comes to the fore. I don't know if I handle depression better or I'm just more accustomed to it. I pray, I cry, I rage against this horrible feeling I have experienced since I was a young teen that holds me captive each day.
Like the roller coaster, the pattern is set. This represents my life each day. My anxiety begins in the morning upon awakening. It calms down a bit after I take my medication, in about one - two hours. It reawakens about noon time and I take another pill. I am calmed more quickly now. It is not that the anxiety is gone. It is because the anxiety and depression become so close they kind of mesh. Maybe this makes no sense to you. It is a theory of mine about myself. The depression is with me always. There is always a significant "under current" that runs through everything I do. Many of you know the feeling. It is what quenches the enthusiasm in my life. It is why I don't enjoy things as I could. It is why my laughter is muted and my happiness is so temporary. It is the emotion I try to hide with my humorous personna. Many of us walk this path daily. I know I don't hold the market on this one. But even this is empowered by certain stresors.
This is how I am today, the anxiety is more intense as is the depression as I beg and plead for God to take away the power of my child's addiction. I hope against hope that there will be full surrender to the higher power called God. Sometimes I surmise that addiction is primarily a spiritual disease and to experience remission one must take a fresh look at one's spirituality. Further I feel that we may need to come to the point of desperation.
Having hit this point, we must pray that God will enter the innermost part of our lives and make the changes there that will help us recover. There are so many obstacles to overcoming addiction. The bag of tricks is not an approach that works, It involves self-knowledge which is impossible until one takes the vital step to stop drinking, using, gambling, or whatever holds them hostage. Once one stops the harmful behavior the healing process can begin as they "clear" and begin to see life as it truly is and accept life on life's terms. Overcoming addiction is a path one can only walk with much support. The hardest part is facing oneself. In the innermost part of myself, I know its true.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Have you gone Mental? (XXXVII)
We all have problems. I grew up in the house of an alcoholic Father. He was a good man who loved his family, nevertheless he was often verbally abusive. I know my Dad loved me for many reasons. He was the one the night I went to my 1984 hospitalizaton that said, "Jeff if you killed ... if you did anything like that it would kill me." Then he hugged me tightly with tears in his eyes. I think that was the day we began to accept one another for who we were and began our relationship anew. As I outgrew my childhood I became a good man too. I do not think any of the problems I am having were in anyway caused or authored by my father. I worked that out long ago. I am fully responsible for who I am today.
Dad worked hard as an owner and truck driver of a wholesale distributorship under the Standard Oil Company. I remember when I was a young boy about 10 when I asked, "Dad, will your trucks say Brockway and Son on the doors one day?" His response was powerful and impactful as I look back, although it sounded disappointing at the time. He said, "Son you're not going to be a truck driver. You're going to make something out of yourself." He seemed happy in his job, but somewhere down deep lay this seed of disatisfaction that sprouted into a little boy. HIS son would make something out of himself. That is why the high expectations, that is why the pride when I earned my doctorate. That is why the pride when I went to work for my last employer. To talk to him you'd think I was the CEO of the hospital for which I worked, although I never rose above middle management!
As vulnerable as I was statistically I did not become an alcoholic or an addict. I drank a few beers and quite a few gin and tonics over a few years, but never developed a habit or formed an addiction. In fact, one day I stopped all that. My drinking now is comprised of a (very) occational marguerita or pina colada and a hot buttered rum on Christmas eve.
Then it became my turn. I was raising kids of my own, beginning in my 21st year of my life. Erin, Kelly, Jon, Josh, and Jeffrey. Beth came into my life when Janet and I got married. She became much more than a step daughter to me and for all intents and purposes she is my daughter and I love her as such. Then there was Andy, my Great Nephew, who came to live with us when he was 5. Jeff (17) and Andy (14) still live at home.
Its difficult to think that your kids could develop an addiction. It absolutely breaks your heart. In my current state, I of course got overcome by my depression. I felt horrible as this addiction has developed over a two year period. I was in deep denial, not wanting to believe one of my grown kids was an addict. Maybe it was arrogance. Maybe I was naive. At any rate It happened under my nose. The feelings about this are new and they are still raw. I wish I could reach out and flip a awitch and the addiction would just leave. I wish I could take away the pain. The grief process will be a large part of the healing: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, fear, and (hopefully) acceptance. A good friend (the drug) will be left behind if all goes according to plan. Having treated addicts for 15 years, I know it reaches remission only sometimes. That realization brings me to tears. I know many of you have been through this (and worse) with addiction in your family.
As I sit here tonight, having talked through a treatment plan with his mom, my wife Janet, and one of my daughters. I am cautiously hopeful. The intervention has been done. The drug is very potent so detox is necessary. My depression tells me that he is doomed and my anxiety tells me that my depresson is right. It sucks. It has been a roller coaster since this came to light. Depression and anxiety; anxiety and depression; prayer, silence, hope, desperation, and fear. God help me!
That is what I'm facing tonight. I am sad when I think what my child is facing. My problems are probably insignificant compared to this young suffering addict. I know the problems are different and know if he accepts and applies the treatment and support meetings there is a good chance of overcoming his present pain and then entering recovery; not just abstinence. My role: encouragement, prayer, and compassion.
I am not a victim in this case. Do not feel sorry for me. As much as my depression-anxiety has been activated to new highs and lows I am not my greatest concern now. I am a Dad who may have been on the brink of alcohol addiction at age 32, when the Lord reached down and brought strength to me. He gave me the gift of stopping cold turkey.
Well all that aside, I hope you will pray for my child. Please pray that the heart will soften and the treatment that has been offered will be accepted and applied to life.
Thank you for your gracious prayers for this precious child of mine.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
Dad worked hard as an owner and truck driver of a wholesale distributorship under the Standard Oil Company. I remember when I was a young boy about 10 when I asked, "Dad, will your trucks say Brockway and Son on the doors one day?" His response was powerful and impactful as I look back, although it sounded disappointing at the time. He said, "Son you're not going to be a truck driver. You're going to make something out of yourself." He seemed happy in his job, but somewhere down deep lay this seed of disatisfaction that sprouted into a little boy. HIS son would make something out of himself. That is why the high expectations, that is why the pride when I earned my doctorate. That is why the pride when I went to work for my last employer. To talk to him you'd think I was the CEO of the hospital for which I worked, although I never rose above middle management!
As vulnerable as I was statistically I did not become an alcoholic or an addict. I drank a few beers and quite a few gin and tonics over a few years, but never developed a habit or formed an addiction. In fact, one day I stopped all that. My drinking now is comprised of a (very) occational marguerita or pina colada and a hot buttered rum on Christmas eve.
Then it became my turn. I was raising kids of my own, beginning in my 21st year of my life. Erin, Kelly, Jon, Josh, and Jeffrey. Beth came into my life when Janet and I got married. She became much more than a step daughter to me and for all intents and purposes she is my daughter and I love her as such. Then there was Andy, my Great Nephew, who came to live with us when he was 5. Jeff (17) and Andy (14) still live at home.
Its difficult to think that your kids could develop an addiction. It absolutely breaks your heart. In my current state, I of course got overcome by my depression. I felt horrible as this addiction has developed over a two year period. I was in deep denial, not wanting to believe one of my grown kids was an addict. Maybe it was arrogance. Maybe I was naive. At any rate It happened under my nose. The feelings about this are new and they are still raw. I wish I could reach out and flip a awitch and the addiction would just leave. I wish I could take away the pain. The grief process will be a large part of the healing: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, fear, and (hopefully) acceptance. A good friend (the drug) will be left behind if all goes according to plan. Having treated addicts for 15 years, I know it reaches remission only sometimes. That realization brings me to tears. I know many of you have been through this (and worse) with addiction in your family.
As I sit here tonight, having talked through a treatment plan with his mom, my wife Janet, and one of my daughters. I am cautiously hopeful. The intervention has been done. The drug is very potent so detox is necessary. My depression tells me that he is doomed and my anxiety tells me that my depresson is right. It sucks. It has been a roller coaster since this came to light. Depression and anxiety; anxiety and depression; prayer, silence, hope, desperation, and fear. God help me!
That is what I'm facing tonight. I am sad when I think what my child is facing. My problems are probably insignificant compared to this young suffering addict. I know the problems are different and know if he accepts and applies the treatment and support meetings there is a good chance of overcoming his present pain and then entering recovery; not just abstinence. My role: encouragement, prayer, and compassion.
I am not a victim in this case. Do not feel sorry for me. As much as my depression-anxiety has been activated to new highs and lows I am not my greatest concern now. I am a Dad who may have been on the brink of alcohol addiction at age 32, when the Lord reached down and brought strength to me. He gave me the gift of stopping cold turkey.
Well all that aside, I hope you will pray for my child. Please pray that the heart will soften and the treatment that has been offered will be accepted and applied to life.
Thank you for your gracious prayers for this precious child of mine.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Have you gone Mental? (XXXVI)
Do you ever have stress in your life? If you are like me, and I know I am, you do. What stress does the "normal" person (the person who does not suffer from depression and anxiety) have? How do they face it? It motivates them to address the problem to overcome the distress.
What happens to those of us who have depression-anxiety when we're under stress? Many of us wonder what we did to bring this about. That's guilt. Many of us wonder what is wrong with me that I now find myself under all this stress? That is shame.
We of the depression-anxiety "set" may put ourselves through the "ringer". It is such a "ringer" that it brings about more destruction than the stressor itself.
What can we do when we are under stress? When we have depression-anxiety we need to take a look into our bag of tricks. First, pull out prayer. Cry out to God, "Oh my Father you see what is happening in my life. Give me the wisdom to think through this stressor and listen for your inner voice that will help me solve this problem"
[or something like this]. Pray every day about the stresor. Pray for the people involved ... PRAY.
Next change how you talk to yourself. Many of us who have depression-anxiety may say to ourselves some very negative things. "I'm such an idiot." "How could I be so stupid." "I've got myself into a situation I can never crawl out of." Instead of this, say, "I am a child of God." "I can seek the wisdom from God." "I am in a tough space here but God is the God of second chances, third chances, fourth chances, and (I hope) fifth chances!" SAY POSITIVE THINGS TO YOURSELF. Stay away from any negative self talk. Stick with positive, or at the least, neutral self talk.
Seek positive input from a friend, mentor, etc. We Christians call this "seeking Godly counsel". If we have stress, we need support. We do! I know its embarrassing to share about our stress. But we MUST! Ask the person you know if they can set aside an hour to talk to you about something and that we need someone to help us think through a problem we are having. SEEK INPUT. An ancient proverb says, "A problem solved is a problem halved." This means not that the person will solve half of our problem for us. I have been in the counseling business from 1984 until the end of 2009. Many, many people said to me. I feel better just having talked about it! I tried not to ever give advice. I helped people think through their particular problem and make a plan with which to approach it. SEEK INPUT ... you will most likely feel better, before you solve the problem!
Well that is all the "tricks" I wish to discuss. You probably can name five more... USE THEM. If you are under the weight of depression-anxiety you are at a disadvantage UNLESS you pull out your bag and use what is there. You have a life experience that "normal" folks don't have. You are already going through "hell" when something comes and throws some new dry wood on the fire we are affected. The difference is you are used to stress... it, to some extent, has taken over your life!
Take a deep breath (or ten): Pray (Talk to God); Talk to yourself (Positive or Neutral talk); Seek Counsel (Talk to another person).
Stress is one of the constants of the universe. If you have no stress ask someone to take your pulse. Life is partially made up of certain stressors that are common to every one of us. If we have depression-anxiety we may have more stress or what we do have hits us harder than it does others. So, take care of yourself. be good to yourself, be wise. Let God help you ... and help yourself with the techniques above or others you already know that will improve your situation.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
What happens to those of us who have depression-anxiety when we're under stress? Many of us wonder what we did to bring this about. That's guilt. Many of us wonder what is wrong with me that I now find myself under all this stress? That is shame.
We of the depression-anxiety "set" may put ourselves through the "ringer". It is such a "ringer" that it brings about more destruction than the stressor itself.
What can we do when we are under stress? When we have depression-anxiety we need to take a look into our bag of tricks. First, pull out prayer. Cry out to God, "Oh my Father you see what is happening in my life. Give me the wisdom to think through this stressor and listen for your inner voice that will help me solve this problem"
[or something like this]. Pray every day about the stresor. Pray for the people involved ... PRAY.
Next change how you talk to yourself. Many of us who have depression-anxiety may say to ourselves some very negative things. "I'm such an idiot." "How could I be so stupid." "I've got myself into a situation I can never crawl out of." Instead of this, say, "I am a child of God." "I can seek the wisdom from God." "I am in a tough space here but God is the God of second chances, third chances, fourth chances, and (I hope) fifth chances!" SAY POSITIVE THINGS TO YOURSELF. Stay away from any negative self talk. Stick with positive, or at the least, neutral self talk.
Seek positive input from a friend, mentor, etc. We Christians call this "seeking Godly counsel". If we have stress, we need support. We do! I know its embarrassing to share about our stress. But we MUST! Ask the person you know if they can set aside an hour to talk to you about something and that we need someone to help us think through a problem we are having. SEEK INPUT. An ancient proverb says, "A problem solved is a problem halved." This means not that the person will solve half of our problem for us. I have been in the counseling business from 1984 until the end of 2009. Many, many people said to me. I feel better just having talked about it! I tried not to ever give advice. I helped people think through their particular problem and make a plan with which to approach it. SEEK INPUT ... you will most likely feel better, before you solve the problem!
Well that is all the "tricks" I wish to discuss. You probably can name five more... USE THEM. If you are under the weight of depression-anxiety you are at a disadvantage UNLESS you pull out your bag and use what is there. You have a life experience that "normal" folks don't have. You are already going through "hell" when something comes and throws some new dry wood on the fire we are affected. The difference is you are used to stress... it, to some extent, has taken over your life!
Take a deep breath (or ten): Pray (Talk to God); Talk to yourself (Positive or Neutral talk); Seek Counsel (Talk to another person).
Stress is one of the constants of the universe. If you have no stress ask someone to take your pulse. Life is partially made up of certain stressors that are common to every one of us. If we have depression-anxiety we may have more stress or what we do have hits us harder than it does others. So, take care of yourself. be good to yourself, be wise. Let God help you ... and help yourself with the techniques above or others you already know that will improve your situation.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Havbe you gone Mental? (XXXV)
I am grateful today, as I often am, for my support team. I hope you have one too whether you have a mental illness or not. Me wife Janet is my primary supporter. She is a comforter, my empathizer (not sympathizer) and a wonderful encourager. She makes suggestions openly, but with a gentle touch. Janet is very intuitive. She speaks and I wonder if she has been reading my mind! She has a tremendous amount of wisdom. She says I talk in my sleep, but she knows far more than my midnight utterances that rarely make sense. She is a dear and I love her very much.
My oldest daughter Erin was around this weekend. She, too, is a comfort and an encouragement to me. It seems she is able to be the gentle listener as well as a master of exhortation. She can tell me when I'm not thinking right and asks pointed questions to bring me back on track. She can be a little stronger in her suggestions than Janet, much the time. I know she doesn't get that from MY side of the family! I was 21 when she was born and I'm ... older now and so is she. Maybe older than I am in some ways. At times I think she has a 36 year old body and a 57 year old soul.
I also need to mention my friend George. George was a First Sergeant in the Army and is now retired. Maybe enough said! He is very no nonsense. "How was your day? What were your last few days like? Troubles? What did you do about it? Why didn't you call me? What were you thinking!?! Simple, direct, drill sergeant like but also like the gentle "character giant" he is.
I also saw Peter this week. Peter is the (now retired)therapist and current minister who saved my life, literally, in 1984. I was at the end of my rope. My depression-anxiety was taking me closer and closer to a suicide attempt. When I made that attempt He was there, saved my life and got me admitted into a hospital for a "vacation from my problems." He was a person who truly cared about me, I believe, from the moment he met me. Over the years since, he has become not only my friend, but my mentor. He and I meet weekly and talk about his stuff, my stuff, and what's happening in this crazy nation of ours. He is careful with my soul and my spirit and is a true soul companion. A true brother.
These have been the closest people to me beginning last January when my world fell apart and my depression and anxiety got the best of me. When I thought I wanted to take my own life in late May all these people were there. Janet got me admitted to the hospital. I needed much more than a vacation from my problems this time. Janet also faithfully drove me to Portland to my Partial Hospital program and then my Intensive Out Patient program; lovingly and with great care. She, my loving wife, called this group together to support me
I hope I haven't bored you with the list of angels in my life. I guess if you were bored you'd have stopped reading almost instantly. Anyway if you're still with me, once again I hope you will gather one or two close supporters around you and love them as they love you.
Typos and all .... God Bless You!
My oldest daughter Erin was around this weekend. She, too, is a comfort and an encouragement to me. It seems she is able to be the gentle listener as well as a master of exhortation. She can tell me when I'm not thinking right and asks pointed questions to bring me back on track. She can be a little stronger in her suggestions than Janet, much the time. I know she doesn't get that from MY side of the family! I was 21 when she was born and I'm ... older now and so is she. Maybe older than I am in some ways. At times I think she has a 36 year old body and a 57 year old soul.
I also need to mention my friend George. George was a First Sergeant in the Army and is now retired. Maybe enough said! He is very no nonsense. "How was your day? What were your last few days like? Troubles? What did you do about it? Why didn't you call me? What were you thinking!?! Simple, direct, drill sergeant like but also like the gentle "character giant" he is.
I also saw Peter this week. Peter is the (now retired)therapist and current minister who saved my life, literally, in 1984. I was at the end of my rope. My depression-anxiety was taking me closer and closer to a suicide attempt. When I made that attempt He was there, saved my life and got me admitted into a hospital for a "vacation from my problems." He was a person who truly cared about me, I believe, from the moment he met me. Over the years since, he has become not only my friend, but my mentor. He and I meet weekly and talk about his stuff, my stuff, and what's happening in this crazy nation of ours. He is careful with my soul and my spirit and is a true soul companion. A true brother.
These have been the closest people to me beginning last January when my world fell apart and my depression and anxiety got the best of me. When I thought I wanted to take my own life in late May all these people were there. Janet got me admitted to the hospital. I needed much more than a vacation from my problems this time. Janet also faithfully drove me to Portland to my Partial Hospital program and then my Intensive Out Patient program; lovingly and with great care. She, my loving wife, called this group together to support me
I hope I haven't bored you with the list of angels in my life. I guess if you were bored you'd have stopped reading almost instantly. Anyway if you're still with me, once again I hope you will gather one or two close supporters around you and love them as they love you.
Typos and all .... God Bless You!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Have you gone Mental? (XXXIV)
I had a pretty good morning today. I ran a couple of errands and then came home and slept for two hours. My daughter Erin had spent the night, so when I awakened I heard the famiiar tap, tap, tap of her fingers hitting the keyboard. But its always a welcome sound coming from her. Erin in the house provies a great degree of comfort. I told her I had a problem, I had no candy. Admittedly not a priority, but I love to have a milk chacolate nugget on hand when I get the urge. She took me to Wal Mart for the hunt. I saw, I grabbed, and I conquered. HA! I just havent eaten one yet.
A scary feeling came over me when we returned from our short trip. I began to breathe heavily and got a distinct feeling of dread. My heart rate was getting rapid. My forehead was a bit clammy. My chest was tight.
When I told Erin what was going on she suggested I talk it out, I said there was nothing to talk out. It was non-specific and tied to no stimuli I could acertain. It just hit me. I was loving our visit. I would not call it a full-fledged panic atack. I call it an anxiety attack, which I've said before is not a technically correct disgnois, just my descrption. Now that the feeling of dread, the heart rate, tight chest, and rapid breathing has left me, I decided to blog. Its funny that after the chest relaxes, I can feel it after it stops for several minutes, alhough there is no pain associated with it.
This feeling had lasted about 10-12 minutes. I had the urge to call my wife who was not availble to the phone at her job. I told Erin which provided some comfort. Her suggestion to talk it out seemed a bit stange to me. I've never really done that. I've just allowed myself to feel the feelings, observe them and hold them in my body. I did some deep breathing, following my breath in and out. After about 3-4 minutes my heart rate began to slow down. My breathing, by force probably, began to normalize. The tightness in my chest began to subside. The claminess went away. The feeling of dread was the last to go at about the 10-12 minute mark. It was like (eg.)getting hit hard in the arm. The sensation of the assault is felt very strongly at first. With some physical intervention like rubbing and other movements, it begins to go away.
I know many of you have had full-fledged panic atacks. I feel for you and know this is very serious and painful. I just had a taste of a near panic attack and I was literally stuck to my chair for ten minutes. Did I actually have a panic attack? I don't know. These anxiety attecks are fairly infrequent (every week or so) however it was only four days since my last one. I don't know if this is a sign of getting better or worse. At first blush I'd say worse. When I think more I wonder if I could be getting better because I am becomning less disconnected from my feelings. This is a question for my therapist.
Well I'm keeping it short today. I'm still a little shaky and I've felt my feelings. I used a physical intervention along with a sentence prayer I didn't mention before. The prayer is "Jesus fill my life with peace." As I inhaled I'd say "Jesus fill my life." As I exhale I'd say "with peace."
The major onslaught is gone and only some of the anxiety remains now. I need to pray some more. I was wanting to see how it would be to write this experience out. With Erin here I felt safe in and through the bulk of the anxiety. There remained and still remains an under current of anxiety. The experience has been gone for about 25 mimutes by now. I feel depression beginning to set in. I'm going to return to my chair and see where this goes. I know depression well. It comes to support my anxiety
and to confuse me for the most part. It is a sneaky enemy (friend???). Im going to return to prayer and do some more deep breathing. A walk may also be in my near future. Yes that sounds like a good idea.
I'll write again soon. I am going to be a bit cautious here, but Jesus words. "Have faith in God" will go with me on my Prayer Walk.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
A scary feeling came over me when we returned from our short trip. I began to breathe heavily and got a distinct feeling of dread. My heart rate was getting rapid. My forehead was a bit clammy. My chest was tight.
When I told Erin what was going on she suggested I talk it out, I said there was nothing to talk out. It was non-specific and tied to no stimuli I could acertain. It just hit me. I was loving our visit. I would not call it a full-fledged panic atack. I call it an anxiety attack, which I've said before is not a technically correct disgnois, just my descrption. Now that the feeling of dread, the heart rate, tight chest, and rapid breathing has left me, I decided to blog. Its funny that after the chest relaxes, I can feel it after it stops for several minutes, alhough there is no pain associated with it.
This feeling had lasted about 10-12 minutes. I had the urge to call my wife who was not availble to the phone at her job. I told Erin which provided some comfort. Her suggestion to talk it out seemed a bit stange to me. I've never really done that. I've just allowed myself to feel the feelings, observe them and hold them in my body. I did some deep breathing, following my breath in and out. After about 3-4 minutes my heart rate began to slow down. My breathing, by force probably, began to normalize. The tightness in my chest began to subside. The claminess went away. The feeling of dread was the last to go at about the 10-12 minute mark. It was like (eg.)getting hit hard in the arm. The sensation of the assault is felt very strongly at first. With some physical intervention like rubbing and other movements, it begins to go away.
I know many of you have had full-fledged panic atacks. I feel for you and know this is very serious and painful. I just had a taste of a near panic attack and I was literally stuck to my chair for ten minutes. Did I actually have a panic attack? I don't know. These anxiety attecks are fairly infrequent (every week or so) however it was only four days since my last one. I don't know if this is a sign of getting better or worse. At first blush I'd say worse. When I think more I wonder if I could be getting better because I am becomning less disconnected from my feelings. This is a question for my therapist.
Well I'm keeping it short today. I'm still a little shaky and I've felt my feelings. I used a physical intervention along with a sentence prayer I didn't mention before. The prayer is "Jesus fill my life with peace." As I inhaled I'd say "Jesus fill my life." As I exhale I'd say "with peace."
The major onslaught is gone and only some of the anxiety remains now. I need to pray some more. I was wanting to see how it would be to write this experience out. With Erin here I felt safe in and through the bulk of the anxiety. There remained and still remains an under current of anxiety. The experience has been gone for about 25 mimutes by now. I feel depression beginning to set in. I'm going to return to my chair and see where this goes. I know depression well. It comes to support my anxiety
and to confuse me for the most part. It is a sneaky enemy (friend???). Im going to return to prayer and do some more deep breathing. A walk may also be in my near future. Yes that sounds like a good idea.
I'll write again soon. I am going to be a bit cautious here, but Jesus words. "Have faith in God" will go with me on my Prayer Walk.
Typos and all ... God bless you.
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