Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Have you gone Mental Ill

As previously mentioned, my first stop following my hospital stay was a partial Hospital Program. Five days, six hours a day, learning to practice a set of ten "basics". These were designed to provide an opportunity to practice the behavior that is recogized by researchers and therapists to move the patient toward healing. I arose each morning in great anxiety that lasted almost until noon each day; no matter what the medication. I made it about four weeks in this valuable program despite my fear of attending due to my ongoing anxiety.

Following my "stay" in the Partial Hospital program, I "graduated" to the IOP (intensive outpatient program). This program was "advanced" in the sense that we were not exposed to basics day in and day out. We've discussed mindfulness, how to benefit from therapy, anger, self defeating behavior, and included daily check-in.
We gather in a circle and discuss these and other topics. Although a 5 days program, I have "progressed" to the point to which I now attend two days each week; this in addition to my psychologist and psychiatrist visits. I sure wish I felt better.

My anxiety and depression continue. It almost seems that when my anxiety is at a a "high" my depressive mood is lower. Conversely when my depession is at a high my anxiety abates. The worse is when they "team up on me" together. My anxiety results in somewhat frenetic behavior. When at home, When anxious I am doing state and Federal paperwork, laundry, cleaning up after the kids and any number of activities. Before my "full blown" illness set in, I was a spend-a-holic, if you will. This has resulted in ongoing financial problems for our family.

When depessed I isolate myself and become very sullen thinking horrible thoughts about myself and my longevity on this earth. This is unpleasant. Major Depession is even more unpleasant than advertized on TV.

NOW? I remain in touch with my support team. I still take walks. I write journal entries. I read over past entries. I develop and recite affirmations. I meditate. I pray. I involve myself in spirital contemplaton. I open up to my wife and other "team" members. My wife and I still go on short outings. I can drive now (improving) short distances and to familiar places. I laugh once in a while. I take my medication regularly and as prescribed.

I am preparing to leave the IOP.I have applied for disability. I plan to continue with my psychologist, psychitrist, and my support team. Healing is a long long process.

More later ... thanks for reading.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jeff. I just wanted to say I love your blog and your honesty. I've had some major anxiety in my life and after cancer it got to a point where I couldn't focus. Mine was fear based. Worrying about my kids getting cancer and such. I was lucky enough that the first antideppressant I tried worked amazingly. Now I worry but I worry like a normal person. Don't give up. I believe you're a strong person and will get through this. I always love seeing you and Erin together. I am so impressed at how you seem to get each other as a father and daughter. Anyway, Good luck and I will keep reading about your road to recovery. Love, Laurie Wakefield