The Mental Life (8)

Greetings I have decided to take a short break from this blog. Things are changing in my life and I truly need NOT to share them until I gain some true perspective. Thank you for your prayers and your support.
God bless you!

The Mental Life (7)

As my depression continues to rear its ugly head, so does the list of my affirmations.
A couple of examples;
"The Our Father" (Lord's Prayer)

Abba I belong to you
Jesus I belong to you
Spirit I belong to you

Oh Lord. grant me love to overcome the lack of love I have for myself
Grant me joy to replace depression
Grant me peace to counteract anxiety
Grant me hope to overcome despair

Psalm 23 (The Lord is my shepherd)

and others...

These help sometimes and grant me grace from God.

I'll continue to use them as long as I feel any relief. This has been a dark couple of days but there have been times of light I which I have rejoiced. Its never ALL dark. God is always with me; coming with light and love.

I hope in the power of the lord and the prayers of my support team. Thank you.

God Bless You All!

The Mental Life (5)

The past 7 days have been especially difficult for me. Anxiety and oppressive thinking have been my lot. I don't know what brought this on. It feels like one year or so when I was barely making it day by day. I took a walk yesterday, as I did then and all the feelings returned. I found myself quoting my affirmations as I did then.

My Psychologist and I discussed obsessive thinking and how it keeps me hanging on to anxiety producing thoughts far longer than I was doing just a short month ago. I'm not saying I've completely back-slidden... I haven't. This is a reminder that I have to return to those skills and practices that brought me health and some semblance of wellbeing. How did I forget and neglect these basics? I thought I was progressing far faster than I really am. I guess this is normal or at least wishful thinking. What I've learned this that the need to stay with the basics never leaves... one only neglects them ... to their peril. I'm sorry if this seems overly dramatic. It is not my M.O., just a realistic account of what is happening with me.

I ask for the prayers of all my friends that I may move through this in a life-giving way.

God bless you all...

The Mental Life (4)

Today is a good day so far outside of some car trouble. Janet is back to work and
recovering from some virus she has had for several days. My depression comes and goes sometimes intense other times more mild. Most of the time it just has a mind of its own, sometimes it follows events in my life that hold fear or disappointment. Anxious feelings seem to follow the same pattern. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get any better, but I am holding out hope for my sake and the sake of my family.

I appreciate all your prayers and positive thoughts. Thank you so much. I hope one day to be able to return to work. Is it my long term goal.

God be with you and yours.

The Mental Life (3)

This has been a week of ups and downs. The downs were the usual ones; DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. Some days I thought the depression was taking more and more charge of my life. I absolutely hate this. Thankfully this was short lived. Sometimes it feels like three steps forward and two steps back. Admittedly, that s still progress, but not as much as I expected by this time.

I had a great Spring Break with my children and grandchildren. I greatly aided my mood. I love those little grandchildren: Flanny, Canon, Phoenix, and Loreli. We missed out seeing Blake on the trip. They have an honesty that is so revealing and sometimes shocking.

I got to stay a couple nights extra with Erin and her family. Being so close to the ocean with such a panoramic view of the Seaside area was beautiful and calming.

God be with You.

Now, back home I have entered a more active life with walks with the dog ands workouts at the gym on a regular basis. I fine this physical exertion to be helpful in combating both depression and anxiety.

The Mental LIfe (1)

I have been trying to settle in to the "Mental life" that has been my lot for over a year or so. This last week or so finds me battling some very low lows and some suicidal ideation. As I mentioned in my former blog, my depression has a mind of its own. It comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it arrives when situations are stressing me out, but it can almost as easily come when I am just generally in a low mood. I really close off from people when I'm in this condition. My depression is serious and takes some serious application of my bag of tricks to fight it. Just when I think I'm improving,,, BAAM ! it hits again.

I have what is called "double depression", or so I am told. My general mood, for almost as long as I can remember has been of the character of a low grade depression. This is the staple of my feelings. I can't remember when I have not had a low grade depression. It goes back to the early days of my youth ... never a real happy camper. This is no to say that I am not totally happy at any time... this is a usual and customary feeling. It means my happy level is lower than a healthy person who does not have chronic low grade depression.

Added to this is a depression of the type that drops me way below the healthy level. Think of a horizontal line across a page. Go down and draw a line one half inch below it (this is my low grade depression. Then go one half inch below this and draw another line. This will give you some idea where I go to find suicidal ideation. This is frequent of late. This is a feeling that I will never dig myself out. I've certainly had some circumstances that have lent themselves to this, but I can go there as naturally as anything else with little or no stress. This is astounding to me. "Dropping into a hole" without accompanying stress to push me in! I hate this. If you are in a similar boat as me, you hate it too.

There is no permanent answer to this for me at this point. I pray, I meditate, I do what needs to be done whether I feel like it or not, I distract myself, I talk to myself, I physically exercise pretty regularly, etc. Still depression dances and plays in my mind and this is NOT like sugarplums dancing in my head. It is painful and leaves me feeling hopeless for long periods of time. I try to help myself the best I can. I am not just lying down and taking it. I am really working at this.

My anxiety also comes along for the ride. It has not disappeared. I follows the ebb and flow of my depression, cheering it on as it assails me with nervous stomach, anxiety laden thinking, and being anxious about so many things, Its like depression and anxiety are doing their dance together as a relationship made in somewhere else besides heaven ... You can think of one place, I'm sure. I suppose they are having fun but I'm not.

Well I'm tired of writing for now. I will drift off to sleep with my CD playing positive and spiritual ideas to me to relieve the anxiety of this time of night.

God Be With You!

Have You Gone Mental? (101)

The idea of working sounded good at the time, but it turned out to be a poor decision. I realized I was unable to hold a job, but stayed in denial. I apppied for a job a month ago. I was called and told I would not be interviewed. That kind of broke through my denial. I needed to realize that now is not a time to look for work. My depression and anxiety are just too powerful. I try to hold it together, but they are relentless.

A couple of weeks ago I received word that my mental health disability had been granted. I experienced joy and sorrow. Joy because it would provide a small income in addition to Janet's and sad because it was like a door slamming on the past 50+ years of my life. I began to feel like a loser... Look at me, I'm feeding off the government! I processed this with my therapist and have come to terms with it. I've been paying into social security since I was 16 years old. This is like granting MYSELF the disability, as far as the money is concerned. I understand how lame this may sound, but it is where I am trying to be now ... to continue to work myself through the shame.

This is as far as I've progressed. I still have my ups and downs they have been lower of late and I continue to take care of myself to lessen the pain. My supporters have been wonderful.

Thanks for listening.

Typos and all ... God Bless You.